Friday, April 23, 2010

The Oddly Unpopular Confections of Barn Zest, Inc.

Cuticle Corn: Candy corn in the shape of manicured human nails. The wrapper featured a zoot-suited camel with two extremities visible -- a hoof and a human hand -- staring at his healthy cuticles with amazement and delight.

Apricot Yo-Hos: A package of apricot candy containing pieces shaped variously like stogies, pipes, helms, wreckage, empty rum bottles and discarded peg legs. Magazine ads featured a groggy pirate holding an
apricot and a salt shaker.

Planetarium Mints: White mint dots in wide clusters presented in a black box lined with artificial satin. Science museum frequenters were invited to purchase tiny mint constellations in the shape of

Muffled Titters: An extremely well-bred Snickers alternative containing "solid chocolate stock, pedigreed dairy and ample pride."

Spearmint Ice Floes: Rough-textured, sharp and painful to lick, these serrated Nordic lollipops never quite found their niche.

Calligraphy Chews: Black licorice in the shape of miniature shirt collars, cuffs and assorted handwriting flourishes from the classical period. "What are they?" one worried child is reported to have asked.

Marmalade Zygotes: Mass production was aborted after the initial test group grew queasy.

Fair Trade Dark Chocolate Chewing Tobacco with Zinc and Aloe Vera: No one ever bought this.

"E.R. Ohs!": These wound-shaped strings of red licorice were intended to be handed out to emergency room patients to make their
waiting time more bearable. Unfortunately, the local hospital in Kentucky deemed the product "upsetting to family members."

Buzz Drops with Electrolytes: Gum drops containing "thirst-quenchin' voltage" and nigh-lethal amounts of guarana. Originally marketed to recovering crack addicts, ads featured a charred and smoking figure in an electric chair.

Mead Wisps ("Cotton candy for grownups -- from an ancient recipe!"): This never quite caught on.

Lemon Renunciates: "Scowling bites of bitter silence" that were boldly labeled "unsweetened" because "sugar would be too fun."

Platonic Yums (air blasts wrapped in sweetened edible rice paper): "Flavor for the mind from a treat too perfect to exist!"

Latte Lather (originally sold in finger-sized tubes): "Wake up to a mouthful of foam with Latte Lather: Slaps on like shaving cream but goes down like a fine Italian roast."


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